How to Choose A Life Partner

I’ve thought a good deal about how to find a good partner. I claim to be no expert, but I believe that some of the thoughts I have had might prove useful to others. Choosing a partner will likely be one of the most important decisions of your life. I frequently encounter people who feel unable to make an informed decision, or consistently find themselves acting against their better judgement.

Given that our rational minds are rarely in full communication with our emotions and that relationships are very much an emotional domain, it can be difficult to assess what kinds of characteristics we should look for in a partner. Value can be gained, however, from a clear vision and ability to apply it.

Over time, I built up some foundational characteristics to look for in a partner which I gathered from lessons I had learned, as well as some theoreticals. I will outline these, and then write a bit about what I believe to be a positive approach to relationships. I believe these apply to both sexes, but given that I’m coming at it from the female perspective it will likely sway in that direction.

1. Plan & value alignment
Find someone who wants what you want from life. Of course, the prerequisite here is knowing yourself what you want from life. It’s not about knowing exactly what job you hope to have, what specific feats you’d like to accomplish. Rather, know what foundation you want. Is it important to you to live close to family? Do you want to build a community? If so, what kind? Do you want children? If so, how do you want to raise them? These questions will have great bearing on your life.

2. Aesthetic Alignment

A person’s aesthetic taste is a window into their soul. It speaks to their concept of what is good in the world. If they have good aesthetic discernment it’s likely that they’re attentive, spiritually alive, and put care into the work they do. Talk about what you find beautiful. If you feel attracted to similar areas, or if they are able to introduce you to beautiful things you had not yet learned to appreciate, it’s a good sign. In the long run, an appreciation for beauty does a lot to lighten the burdens of daily life which you will inevitably undertake together.

3. Stability & Reliability

Does the person stick to their word? Are their actions unpredictable, are they overly emotional?

Ultimately, the partner you choose will serve as the foundation for the rest of your life. You’ll share a home, a bed, endeavors and adventures, likely raise children with them. This is not to say that they should be your only source of friendship and community, but they will play a key role in building out the rest of it. You will need someone who can think calmly in crisis, and who is able to make decisions about important issues, and who is consistent in their actions.

4. Rate of Growth

I believe this is one of the hardest things to judge. If one person is growing, taking in the world, and expanding much faster than the other, it often causes tension, poor communication, and resentment, even if you seem very compatible and aligned at the start. You may find yourself at the same place, but moving at a different pace.

5. Sense of Humor

Enjoying one another’s sense of humor will make a huge difference in your enjoyment of life together. Laughing bonds people together. Enjoy laughing together as much and as frequently as you can.

6. Is there stuff to do?

Try to get things done together. Can you set up a life of joint projects? When you see yourselves as serving a greater purpose, rather than just one another, other problems fall away. You’ll have days when you are out of sync, frustrated with each other, resentful, or selfish. If your personal desires come second to something you both believe in, something that needs to get done, it will transform turn your energies to productive ends. You will come to trust each other more.

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I believe your attitude towards relationships is just as important as finding the right partner - if not more so. For now, my advice here is brief, however.

It’s quite likely that all of these checks, and all of your personal checks too will not be met. However, you may find that your commitment and love for your partner outweigh whatever problems you see.

First, if you decide to commit to a person, commit fully. Don’t commit until you’re genuinely willing to. This will likely mean a lot of personal suffering. It is natural to want your partner to feel like an extension of yourself, to feel everything you feel. This search for unity is natural to our humanity, yet it is a much slower process than we would like. However, committing yourself to someone genuinely can be an unbelievably wonderful experience. When you can’t commit fully, you will see each problem as a roadblock, a potential reason to leave, or a burden upon yourself. With commitment every problem becomes a joint struggle, something that must be worked through. Every moment of pain and joy becomes shared.

Secondly, make your own list of foundations and check them as soon as you can. Be open about what you want. It’s better to be upfront than it is to spend years with someone who ultimately isn’t a good partner for you. When someone is honest about their intentions, it lets both of you take yourselves much more seriously. If you’re looking for someone you can commit to, it’s much easier to rule people out early than to try to push aside all better judgement while you allow attachments to form. Just make sure you rule people out for the right reasons.

In all of this, be honest with yourself. Surround yourself with friends whose judgement you trust. Look seriously at what you want in your life, and seek it persistently. If you find someone who can help you seek this, then by all means marry them.